Your Hair-Raising Journey Begins

Oh buddy, you messed up big time. Look at this damn house. It's full of fucking werewolves (not pictured)! They're going to eat you for sure. Why oh why did you click that stinkin button.

Well, whatever, you're in it now. By "it" of course, I mean the Werewolf House. The online house that is stuffed silly with werewolves. I would like to use this space to reiterate how much you messed up and once again warn you about the sickening amount of scares waiting for you inside Werewolf House.

One interesting fact about Werewolf House is that it will kill you.

You take a huge nervous rip off your vape as you approach the Werewolf House - I'm talking a real lungbuster here. That's how nervous you are. As your chunky cotton ripples in the air you wonder how you got in this sorry situation. 

Just as you were about to remember why you were at Werewolf House and fill in that important motivation and backstory, spooky eyes appear in the windows and beckon you inside. You really want to stay outside and think about exposition where it's safe but you are powerless to resist the sensual allure of the werewolf gaze. Also there's a bat there too. He's friends with the wolves. "The bat makes it even scarier" you think to your lonesome self.

Well here you are at the door. The door which will grant you entry to the Werewolf House. There's a skull on the door which represents a killed human head. Even a rat that runs by is scared of the door, looking at you like "can you believe how scary this door is?" even though the skull isn't even his species.

Anyway, what are you gonna do smart guy?

You creak open the old gross doors and now you're inside. The werewolf house, this is it, the house of werewolves. As soon as you've stepped past the threshold the door to Werewolf House slams shut, clamping down on the bum pocket of your jeans. You leap forward in fright, tearing the back pocket clean off your selvedge denim. "Mom's gonna kill me! These are $500 skate pants," you think to yourself. But you press on because of the door thing. It's locked.

You make your way down the hallway to a window and you see a scene scarier than even the scariest scene you thought you could imagine. A j/o lantern stares wistfully out the window as all of his witch friends fly around - a giant witch is even having space adventures behind the moon. The wolves won't let the lantern go outside to play and have fun. You're chilled big time, all the way to your core, which doesn't normally get chilled, you've been doing so many crunches that the damn thing practically glows, but this is scary enough to do it. Your 6 pack clenches in fear, becoming even more cut than before.

Before you is a beautiful staircase, and upon that staircase is a beautiful transparent woman. The most beautiful thing about her is that she is being helpful and showing you how to use the staircase - which is something you have trouble with from time to time. Hell, we all do, most people can't make heads or tails of staircases so we all end up either living on the bottom floor or trying to glide up them like a slug.

Oh and also a werewolf is behind you, so you gotta go up or down the staircase we were discussing before. Which is it?

Great job you beat the system. You're a real smart cookie I oughtta buy you a brand new bedroom set. PSYCHE you ran away and now you have a werewolf right on your shit. Look at him, he's mad at you for not exploring his house. He will certainly use his fangs and powerful jaws to tear your flesh, which will kill you.

But then, you see a sight so beautiful it could make you cry if you didn't have trouble expressing your emotions due to your upbringing. You see those 2 beautiful words: Presenter Media. The name of your house. You finally make it home to your loving family and you've never felt more at peace. This truly is happiness. The only thing that would make it better would be an ice cold cold one. You know what I'm saying! Fizzy yellow - I'm talking beer baby. You open up the fridge and see that it's full of... what the heck... vegetables?? 

You search and search and there are no beers to be found. All gross broccolis and peas and stuff. You're so distraught...

you die

Ah congratulations, you made it upstairs. Definitely not a spot wherein you will be cornered and then devoured by men mysteriously turned into wolves by the moon's light. It's not like you're in a Werewolf House or something! Except that's where you are and you made a bad decision. What's that? You haven't even seen a werewolf yet in this so-called werewolf house despite reading lots of nonsense and making it pretty far in your adventure? Don't get smart with me. You're gonna get some gifs soon that are so scary you'll lay a damn egg, so help me god. And you'll be so paralyzed with fear you'll sit on it for 9 months and the egg will hatch and out will pop your beautiful son. You'll raise him to be a wonderful young man, lots of prospects, lovely girlfriend, captain of the water polo team. And then BLAM, full moon and he turns into a werewolf who eats your favorite arm - the left one. It was a werewolf egg the whole time, asshole!

Oops I accidentally posted a gif of a handsome man just playing it's a guy turning into a werewolf right before your eyes. He's here in the hallway, ready to bite you.

What's the plan, how are you going to escape?

You turn to your left and see a window. This could be your escape. But you better move quick, lightning flashes and you see the werewolf's scary eyes reflected in the glass. He's right behind you. And, hey, listen, I'm no zoologist or anything but the werewolf is glowing red and his eyes are practically popping out his damn head - I think he may be angry.

You take a flying leap out of the window - the wolf's jaws take a chunk out of your fresh new Jordans, adding one final insult to the injury that has been Werewolf House. But you manage to make it out of the window and into the cool and scary night air. Then BLAMMO you get hit by lightning. It fries your ass good. You have poor hygiene so the smell of your burning flesh manages to overpower the already very stinky Werewolf House.

As your tender flesh gets burned away, exposing the pure beautiful skeleton beneath, you start to wonder what you did to deserve this fate. Well first of all, you ignored my extremely serious warnings about how much you messed up and how Werewolf House is not to be taken lightly. Also, don't forget all the sins you did. You pissed off god with your sinful lifestyle, cavorting around in the Werewolf House like you own the damn place (you don't, I own it, it's mine). He controls the lightning and maybe the werewolves too? Anyway he didn't want you getting away, clearly. Be sure to pray every night folks. That is the lesson of Werewolf House. Also, do not fuck with me.

God murdered your ass. You're dead.

You bust down the door and see some scary eyes lurking in the dark. "What ever could they be?" you stupidly wonder. They're werewolf eyes idiot! And they look pissed as hell. You reach outstretch your arms in front of you, waving your hands all around the room much like Halloween's favorites The Mummy or even Frankenstein's friend, The Monster. Finally, your hands reach a light switch. You flip it on, bracing yourself for what you might see and...

Oh, shit, oh man, this is embarrassing. You barged right in on a werewolf trying to do his sinful business - and the toilet is his workplace if you catch my drift. Werewolves are nocturnal which is why the lights were off, he didn't need them ok? He looks around like "uh are you for real, this is a bathroom man, you don't just go barging in." 

You try and explain that you accidentally wandered into their house and how you aren't able to see in the dark like wolves can. The werewolf is confused but actually really cool about it. He's really laid back and chill which makes you feel even worse. He seems like a pretty good guy you wouldn't mind grabbing a beer with if it weren't for the circumstances. You feel absolutely awful for what you've done.

you die of EMBARRASSMENT 

You make your way down into the dark, dank basement. It smells bad in here, probably because of water leaking in somehow. There's no way of knowing how the basement is leaking, and there's definitely no way of preventing that water from getting in, so what are you going to do. You can't help but noticed that along with the smell of mildew and deadly black mold, the basement also contains the unmistakable musk of Nature's Dracula aka The Scary Animorph - I'm talking about a werewolf.

Just when you're trying to figure a way out of this stinky place, a werewolf appears in the doorway. You know he means business because he slides in on his back and then does a little flip. He even has puffed out his chest to create a big blue orb that his head and limbs are poking out of. You instantly recognize these all as classic signs of a werewolf on the attack. Also maybe he looks a little bit like a pig too which is scary. Maybe he has adapted to his wet, dank environment? You make a mental note to ask your friend Stephen Hawking about the science behind all this if you ever make it out alive.

So yeah, obviously you have to escape the big blueberry fiend. How are you going to do it?

You rush quickly into the next room and... oh hmm this isn't so bad huh? Doesn't seem to be any werewolves anywhere. Just torches and rocks, oh hey and wood beams? Dang this spot has all your favorite stuff. Maybe next time you see a werewolf you can ask him how much rent is lol. When you tell this story to your grandkids you will definitely include that line. You like every part of the room you see before you, now to crane your neck slightly upward and take a look at that inviting nice ceiling.

Oh shit oh damn there has been a werwolf hanging from the ceiling this entire time, as wolves are often known to do. Yeah, they are. No seriously, that's a thing werewolves do. OK whatever. You can argue all you want but you're staring right at a damn werewolf hanging from the ceiling. No, it's way too big to be a bat. It's a werewolf. That's enough out of you, I'm tired of this bullshit. The werewolf kills you for the mortal sin of being annoying as fuck and questioning me.

You are dead please use this as a learning experience

Enough is enough. You've spent this whole time running from werewolves and it's getting old - I mean don't get me wrong you are enjoying the experience so much you think the scary house journey is deserving of a Webby or at least one of those AV Club shoutouts - but to live your life in fear is not living at all. You know what I mean. It's time to fight. Man vs. Man Wolf. Brains vs. Claws and Muscles and Powerful Jaws and Sharp Teeth. Hair in Confusing and Unmentionable Places vs. Hair Everywhere.

The werewolf howls at the moon, thanking it for providing him with his extreme wolf powers - such as super strength and killing power and also a really ripped bod even a human would be jealous of.

You look around for anything that could serve as a weapon. Since you are in a scary basement, there are dozens of torches everywhere, so that's definitely something you can use. So you do. You grab a torch and pump your fist in the air. Hell yeah, that wolf does have a really surprisingly ripped body which you unfortunately will have to fuck up with fire from your torch and the fists we were talking about earlier. In this story your family name is Presenter Media so that's why that's there.

OK time to fight motherfucker. What's your first move?

Nice, let's fight this asshole werewolf using fire - nature's gun.

Uh oh. Oh no.

Ah shit.

Dammit.

Well I guess the good news is you probably killed the werewolf in the blaze? Unfortunately...

You died from burning

Your martial arts training kicks (lol) in and you deliver a nasty punch right to the toned abs of the werewolf. You follow up the punch with a shameful bow of forgiveness. This is the curse of the martial arts master. You must atone for each punch thrown, but damn are they fun to do. And you are good at them too.

The werewolf yowls in pain. Damn you hit him really hard. Maybe too hard. He looks really upset. You feel bad about what you've done. This is part of that martial arts curse I was talking about before.

You feel pretty bad about it but this is your one chance to escape and you are not going to pass this up. You pump those little orange legs and do your best to get the heck out of there.

The wolf is right on your damn ass though. You better really run buddy. As you make your escape, you start to wonder about werewolves. Like... OK we all understand that werewolves transform because of a full moon. But do they turn into some kind of man/wolf hybrid? Or do they just turn into werewolves? It seems like it's pretty inconsistent in the werewolf house as well as in further werewolf movies and lore.

As the internet's leading werewolf expert, I have a very satisfying answer and would love to explain, but there's no time! You gotta act fast. What do you do?

Yeah, nah. You swing open the closet door and inside is one of the jangliest skeletons you've seen in all your days. He bites you and oh nooo you turn into a skeleton too. Turns out he was a werewolf of sorts - the mysterious power of the moon made him turn into bones. So that's interesting.

Another interesting thing is that you are dead

Well what the heck do you know? You are outside the house. You escaped. The werewolves were surprisingly vulnerable to punching. You probably should have done something like that from the beginning. Oh well, next time you are in a werewolf house you will know what to do.

You look up to curse the moon and you realize that the horror is only beginning. God damn! There's three fuckin moons. That must have been why the werewolves had extra powers of fright and had different powers like turning into a skeleton or doing bat-like things. What a shocking and interesting twist.

But also, think of the implications... if there are 3 moons then you are no longer on this safe blue planet we call earth. It all starts coming back. You are an astronaut who was tasked to explore this alien planet, only to discover you were sent to a planet of horrors. This is the werewolf planet. You should really start looking for some other line of work, being an astronaut and exploring the endless void of space is bad and scary. Also your space suit makes it real hard to dab on em which is something you find yourself wishing you could do in space often.

Your eyes are figuratively glued to these moons, the source of all of this nonsense. Who cares if they are nature's nightlight, they are bad.

But maybe the horrors are over. The moons all begin waning. Or going behind clouds. The main point is that they are no longer full which means that the werewolves will hopefully change into something slightly less monstrous. You breathe a sigh of relief.

Sorry nope! The sigh of relief you attempted to breathe came out as a howl. What is going on?

Your body begins to morph and change...

Oh damn.

Oh shit.

Yep, it's another twist. You weren't human at all. You start to remember even more backstory. You were a wolf astronaut who flew to earth and was bitten by a human. When you returned home, you found that the moon transformed your beautiful wolf body into a disgusting pink human. You lost much of your memory and began to wreak havoc inside a peaceful House of Werewolves.

So all those werewolves that you punched and stuff? They were your peers, your fellow wolves. Turns out you were the real monster all along. 

Happy Halloween asshole!

The End